..::\ivorywings/::..

>.> <.<

2004-12-17T09:36:00.000-06:00

I keep forgetting I have this thing. it's hard to remember when I have a Livejournal and a GreatestJournal.

sooo...eh. I probably won't be updating this anymore. I simply can't remember to do so. I update LJ because I get some kind of correspondence there. not only can I write what I'm feeling but I can interact with my friends. Blogger makes that a little more difficult.

why hello blogger

2004-10-29T03:52:00.000-05:00

I have too many journals.

I'm gonna go to sleep now.

goodbye.

I'm gonna curse. you've been warned.

2004-10-10T22:56:00.000-05:00

I just installed Yahoo messenger on a whim.

as soon as I sign in, guess what I see? a bunch of old IMs that my dad tried to send me, one of which dated early September that says "we're moving to Montana at the end of September". what. the. hell. MONTANA?? fucking Montana. Arizona I could have made it to go see him but Montana?! furthermore, why didn't he fuckin' email me? I thought he knew I didn't have Yahoo Messenger!

well, I sent him an email and hopefully they'll get it soon or I'll probably never hear from them again. I don't have any contact info or anything now except email addresses.

damn. shit. fuck.

what a way to end an already shitty day. CAA crashing, MSN crashing, fighting off depression and now this. thanks. thanks a lot.

long time no write

2004-10-10T18:02:00.000-05:00

yeah, so I've been writing at LJ lately. but I figured I might as well update this one for once.

so the rain is here. I don't think I'm ready for the rainy season yet. it's too dark and I can't handle it.

I feel so depressed today.

I can't write any more.

Eff you, LJ

2004-09-20T23:13:00.000-05:00

I am unhappy right now. I actually have friends on LJ now and my freaking account doesn't work half the time anymore. I don't want to just get a new account. I am shiroihikari, damnit. They should effing fix the thing like they're supposed to.

And now, random keysmashing.

asdfj;alksfj;alskdjfpweijfnfsd;lvkajsd

I'm out. Will you all please leave comments so I'll know who's reading this? Thank you.

2004-09-02T03:15:00.000-05:00

hay whut is this thing lolz

I've been writing at teh ElJay a lot lately. because I can. I guess.

well. I'm done for now.

eh

2004-08-27T23:27:00.000-05:00

just posting for posting's sake. I don't really have anything good to say. I've had a crappy past couple of days. we're broke and running out of everything. my cramps are really bad this time. I feel lethargic because I've been sleeping too much. I haven't cleaned in like two days. I just feel like crap.

that's all for now folks.

hello what is this

2004-08-09T12:53:00.000-05:00

listening to: L'arc-en-ciel- Ready Steady Go

I haven't written in here in a while. mostly because people actually started commenting at LJ again, omg. so I've been writing over there a lot.

for the past 4 or 5 days I've been kinda sick. it's pissing me off. like, just about every time I eat something, I get nauseous. and I have this awful recurring headache/jawache/earache thing. it feels like the left side of my head is going to either shrivel up and fall off, or explode. I think I might have some kind of sinus infection. you know that feeling when you just...feel something is wrong inside? I feel like that.

now we move on from griping about sickness to griping abouuuut...people.

people have really been pissing me off lately :D especially certain people that won't shut the hell up about my avatars. a couple of weeks ago, I had this one of Ewan McGregor holding a gun to his head (dressed as Robert from A Life Less Ordinary). it was supposed to be a joke because I had been having a bad time the past couple of days. but no. they just had to keep bothering me about it til I changed it. "I'm very anti-suicide." well, so am I. but it was a joke. A JOKE. (chances are if you're reading this, I'm not talking about you.)

right now I've got this one of Hyde that I did. I'll admit he looks feminine. but he's still a MALE. (and a hot one at that.) so stop with the damn girly j-rocker wisecracks already. I could see if he was like, wearing a dress or had ribbons in his hair or something like that, but no. it's just a picture of his face. I'm gonna leave it up til the end of time just to piss people off now.

also, here's something else that's starting to piss me off. ADD. it takes everything I have not to grab these people by the shoulders and shake them til their brains fall out. yes, I know that some people really do have a problem, but I think it's GROSSLY overdiagnosed. I swear that half of these people are just using it as an excuse for being scatterbrained or lazy. a person that used to talk to me on a regular basis suddenly stops answering IMs half the time. this is ADD? ADD just suddenly manifests out of nowhere? if that's the truth, then I'll take a couple of hits over the head for my ignorance. but I highly doubt that's true. don't get me wrong, I still care about the guy, but it's getting REALLY frigging old that he won't talk to me half the friggin' time anymore.

you know what I blame? online gaming. the sad part is that I'm not kidding. ever since Final Fantasy XXIifdsf, Ragnarok Online, Halo, and all those other games became popular, I've been having a hard time getting certain people to talk to me. here's my solution: if you're gonna be gaming, then DON'T GET ON AIM! and if you insist on being signed in all the time, PUT AN AWAY MESSAGE ON! omg, it's so hard isn't it! *spits*

...wow, I was in a worse mood than I thought.

time flies

2004-08-01T02:48:00.000-05:00

listening to: kLuTz- Serenity

it's August 1st already? who knew. jeez. sometimes I feel like life has slowed to a crawl, and then something like this sneaks up on me.

this is a beautiful piano piece. *imagines snow falling* I am so ready for snow...I hope we have a good, cold winter this year. unlike last year. peh. it couldn't decide if it wanted to be fall or winter or what.

anyways, I've been Queen of Wallpaper Making lately. I just made one about 10 minutes ago of Takuto and Mitsuki, "love that will live forever". I'm pretty happy with it, and sent it to Ashley as a gift, since she made me a nice Heero 'paper. one day I need to get it together and credit the makers of all these brushes I'm using. so they don't like, hunt me down and stuff.

on Monday, I have got to call OKC Community College to try and set up a time to talk to a financial aid advisor or something. I really want to go to school. because I don't want to work at some crap job if I don't have to. maybe if I get a degree, I can finally start getting paid for my graphics skills instead of just sitting on my butt making wallpapers and stuff all the time.

I suppose that's enough for now.

wow

2004-07-26T15:23:00.000-05:00

I haven't written in here in a while. let's see how Mozilla handles this thing now that they've fixed it.

today is extraordinarily boring. boring as hell. wait, I don't think hell is boring. so uh...*faceplant* fhaffkjl

anyway, it's extraordinarily depressing that the only person I still have IRL is Brad. most of my friends are long gone or just really busy. maybe I should try this busyness thing sometime.

word of the day: extraordinarily.

I feel like:

eating a bunch of junk food.
playing DDR.
playing Guilty Gear XX.
talking to Ink.
talking to anyone.
going to the mall.
buying a manga.

maybe I could just go to sleep.

test post.

2004-07-19T22:55:00.000-05:00

since I just got an email back from the good Blogger people, I thought I'd test.

test.

test.

test.

fluff and mush and sap, oh my

2004-07-19T16:37:00.000-05:00

I hate it when I get in these moods where all I want to do is write sap, because I'm bad at it, okay? >__O

like, I laid there for like an hour after waking up, being giggly and "ooh I could write this heehee <3" and stuff like that. it's so irritating.

I hate to even try because I know I'll write something bad and then I'll hate myself for it. ._.

why does Adrian have to be such a cute little thing? oh yeah, because I made him that way. XD XD

um...I'm gonna stop now. >.>;;

teeeest

2004-07-15T17:13:00.000-05:00

test test test test test
test
tes
t

let's try this again shall we

2004-07-15T17:05:00.000-05:00

hahahaha....no more crossposting from LJ I guess. at least not without a headache. I guess I could try writing my posts in wordpad or something first.

forget it. just go read the post. now.

blogger, you moron!

2004-07-14T16:25:00.000-05:00

what IS it with all the journal services acting like jackasses lately? it just ate my post! which happened about el4342526 times last week on LJ! GRRR!!

forget it.

insert subject here

2004-07-14T16:05:00.000-05:00

listening to: djpretzel- HotFlashesMan OC Remix

I wonder if I've been spending too much time in Adrian's head lately. 'cuz I'm starting to regress. when I was still in school, it was easier for me to socialize. now when I think about it I get all scared. I think this is a big reason why I hate job hunting.

at least in high school I was forced to socialize more.

and I forgot the other stuff I was gonna talk about. so...I'm off to be bored somewhere else.

daylight, save me, tonight

2004-07-11T03:20:00.000-05:00

listening to: Brave Saint Saturn: Daylight

I dunno if I really even feel like writing a post right now.

I forgot to do my Friday Writing Rant. Oh well. There's always next Friday. And I don't mean the movie.

Brad's feet are still swollen. They think it's water retention, but he's gotta go back to the doc tomorrow to get bloodwork and stuff done to find out exactly what's going on. I just...I'm almost afraid to write down my suspicions. I don't even want to think about it.

I wish I could get out there and help make this world a better place, but what can a person like me do? I can't even help myself, much less anyone else.

I don't feel like writing any more tonight.

i don't need your authority

2004-07-07T13:25:00.000-05:00

I have a problem with being told what to do.

I mean, I can respect people's convictions, but if they want to shove them down my throat, then I tend to be an unhappy macnam (<-obscure joke).

I still am not convicted of saying "sucks" or "crap" or even the much-dreaded f-word. Now I'm not gonna go around saying "f*** you!" to random people I don't know or anything, but...I can't say "this sucks"? Peh. That annoys me. If people want to be uberconservatives then fine, but they still shouldn't be shoving their convictions down my throat, because one of these days I'll spit them back at them.

Yeah, I know, Romans 14. But it's just...ergh. It's so hard sometimes when the little buggers are so uptight about chat room acronyms, even. Part of me wants to be childish and go "omg lmfao wtf stfu gtfo" whenever they say anything about it.

It sucks being a "liberal" sometimes. And I can't even use that word to describe myself because of how vilified it is. "Liberals" are the evil leftists e.e Words can have more than one meaning, you know.

Eh...enough.

faceplant

2004-07-05T11:36:00.000-05:00

listening to: dcTalk: It's Killing Me

That was the most extraordinarily boring 4th I've ever had. And I've had a lot. I remember going to my parents' friends' house and setting off our own fireworks. That was so much fun and I've been wanting to do it for like, the past 5 years, but nooo.

We. did. NOTHING. We ordered a pizza. The only thing exciting about that was, it was "buy one large get one free".

I did write something the other night though. Just haven't got any feedback yet. >o<

My modem at home is fried. That's not cool yo. Because it's already happened once before. But I have a computer to use up here at Brad's now. So that's cool. All it needs is a CD burner and a bigger hard drive and it'll be better than the one at home. Stupid HP not including an OS disk with their computers...>_< Check that, we need to get a different keyboard for this thing too...

I still haven't got to go play DDR. I am sad.

I need to re-write the beginning of my story so I don't have to sit there for 20 minutes telling people the story so they can read my recent chapters. Gets old. You figure I would've done it by now, but I guess I'm lazy.

Well...I don't feel like writing anymore in here right now.

Woooo.

2004-07-01T02:35:00.000-05:00

listening to: Hyde- hello

Even though I was sick for the first half of it, today felt a lot more normal. *rejoice*

approx. 11am: I wake up after about 4 hours of sleep and somehow drag my @$$ out of bed and to the computer. Hang around online and chat for a bit.

approx. 11:30am: I get sick. Multiple times. Not fun.

approx. 1pm: My sister shows up and guess what the first thing she does is? That's right, she bitches long and loud!

approx 1:20pm: I grab my stuff and I am out the door.

1:45pm: I arrive at Brad's apartment, call him to let him know I'm there, and promptly fall asleep on the couch.

approx. 6pm: Brad arrives with Chinese food. Rock on. We eat and watch Ghostbusters.

8pm: Brad burns the first episode of Full Moon to a CD for me.

8:45pm: I reluctantly head for home.

9pm: I watch Full Moon. I am amazed by the utter hotness of the fictional, animated, ponytail-wearing, midriff-baring catboy known as Takuto. Oh, and did I mention he has a sexy voice? Mrrooow. Heart heart. (Ahem. Moving on.)

9:30pm: Sign onto the internet. Ink links me to Japanese search engines and I find many things that make me happy like Winamp skins, a huge (but slow-loading) Full Moon gallery, and a very very nice Fruits Basket gallery. My confidence in the wonderfulness of the internet goes up about 20 points.
I pretty much spend the next two or three hours downloading stuff.

And here I am at 2:45.

Mom and Grandpa should be leaving today. Woot woot. Maybe I will get to go 4wheeling on the 4th.

In other news, no one's on. What the crap.

GYAH!

2004-06-30T05:26:00.000-05:00

I can't find the very last part of Full Moon wo Sagashite ; ______ ; I gotta know what happens!!! AHHHHHH!!!

Ahem.

It seems like a lot of people are not themselves lately. But everything seems so much different when I'm feeling down, so it could just be me.

Anyway. There's no telling when mom and grandpa are coming back (or -if- they're coming back...) so I guess my July 4th is ruined. My sister won't even come over here for two frigging hours on a regular weeknight, much less stay here long enough for me to go with Brad and go 4wheeling or something fun like that.

I oughta clean the house up myself tonight, then make her stay here while I leave. Because she was all like "I'm coming over to clean" The hell with that...I think I might just stay up until this afternoon sometime. Or...something. I could just go clean up and then go to bed for a few hours. I could probably get done in less than an hour. Because there are some of them dishes that I am NOT touching. Ugh.

Btw...I'm losing friends to online gaming. Online gaming is crap.

Well, I'm off to get started.

i strongly dislike life

2004-06-29T04:38:00.000-05:00

listening to: L'arc-en-ciel- Honey

Yet another reason to feel bitter...

Otakon 2004 is in Baltimore this July. L'arc-en-ciel, one of my favorite Japanese rock bands, is going to be there in concert.

And I can't go.

Reasons:

1. The hotels are like, 200 PER NIGHT. And the thing lasts like, almost a week.
2. Plane tickets for both Brad and I would probably cost around 600 dollars.
3. Registration is 55 per person (currently. It might go up.)

So, if we went for...let's say three days, the approximated cost is 1300 dollars, NOT INCLUDING spending money, food money, or emergency money. We might as well go on an effing cruise.

$55 to get in, I can kinda understand that because there's a lot to do there...but 200 dollars a night for a room??? What kinda effing crack are they smoking?

Meh.

I guess that's all I had to bitch about for the moment.

!@#$%^

2004-06-28T22:28:00.000-05:00

unhappy.

I hate trying to talk to people online who

1. don't use emoticons
2. are socially inept

yes, I realize I am somewhat socially inept, but I mean people who do NOTHING but talk about games. or other random things I have no clue about. then they get upset when I take them off my list! give me a frigging break.

also, lack of emoticons means I don't have a clue whether or not they're serious half the time. "hmm" is very vague in and of itself, okay? "hmm" can mean anything.

and now there's this little punk on CAA getting all sarcastic about our policies, "we dislike courage" GAH. he's been a pain in the @$$ since he joined and he has no reason to stick around if he hates our rules so much. I'd like more than anything to boot his little punk-@$$ right out the door.

another member isn't exactly being a good girl right now either. she can go find another freaking forum to talk about politics on. there are only about 1239234083459843509 other places to go on the internet. people often do not realize this. and hell, it's so easy to start your own forum nowadays! or get a journal! or something besides bugging us!

yeah, I'm kinda angry right now. couldn't you tell?

i want to fly, waiting for sunrise

2004-06-27T06:58:00.000-05:00

listening to: X Japan- White Poem I

Eh, so I'm feeling a little bit better this morning, despite the fact that I'm terribly hungry and the microwave won't work right now. I'm so helpless.

As much as I hate to admit it, I like this time of morning. I just don't like to -wake up- during it. Probably part of my childhood aversion to school still hanging around. Or some psychological bullcrap like that.

There's something beautiful and encouraging about witnessing the beginning of a new day. I always feel so peaceful watching the first light paint the sky.

Despite the similarities, sunrise and sunset have always felt so different to me. I like the sunset, but it seems like there's always something so much more special about the sunrise. Maybe it's because I haven't seen nearly as many of them, so it's kind of a rare treat. If you endure through the darkness, your reward is the light. It's catching a glimpse of the glory and majesty of God.

Quit looking at me like that, I'm trying to wax poetic here.

On a COMPLETELY different subject...I'm beginning to re-discover the wonder that is Gundam Wing. One of my first anime-loves. And certainly a gigantic influence on my creativity. I cut my drawing-teeth on Gundam Wing characters. My characters, in the beginning, were very much influenced by the wonderful characters in GW. Why in the hell haven't I been attempting to buy these DVDs...?? Well, there's always Christmas...>.>

Well...I suppose that's enough for now. I think I just heard the sound of glass breaking in the kitchen.

2004-06-26T21:13:00.000-05:00

if this keeps up

i'll be dead by next week

i'll sing without you

2004-06-25T18:02:00.000-05:00

listening to: X Japan- Longing ~Togireta Melody~

It's Friday...time to write about writing! As opposed to actually doing it! ¬_¬

All this crap that's going on lately makes me feel like working on my other story, the one that I haven't told many people about. I started work on it in 2002, which I'm pretty convinced was the worst out of all twenty-one years that I've been on this earth.

The main character, Glade, starts out very depressed and in a pretty bleak situation. I think I came up with him to try to deal with my own feelings of being trapped by my circumstances. In his universe, the economy is in shambles, jobs are scarce, and he's barely making it. At the time, I had lost my job, my driver's license, and my bills were piling up. So you see the parallels there.

Anyway, I've been feeling trapped again since my mom and grandpa left for California. I'm starting to sink back into that familiar routine of wake up, don't get up, finally get up, do nothing, feel miserable, go back to bed. I don't have much passion at all right now.

Except for yesterday morning.

So, my sister had brought kids over here without asking me, and woke me up too early to boot. Kids drink the rest of my 12-pack of sodas. And won't leave me or each other alone. Getting pretty pissed by now, not to mention I was in a bad mood from the previous day.

So I make the kids leave the room. I'm laying there in bed, and thoughts are running through my mind that frighten me now. I don't dare describe them here in great detail, but I wanted so much to destroy something with my own hands. I wanted to spill someone's blood. Either my own, or someone else's, it didn't matter to me.

I had this strange stinging sensation all over. I don't know if it was just rage or what, but after a few minutes of that I started to cry.

I don't ever want to feel like that again.

ghost town

2004-06-23T02:34:00.000-05:00

listening to: Carpenters- A Song For You

No one is online tonight. ; _ ; It's only 2:30, damnit! -_-;;

Well, anyway. I guess I'm not eating enough or something because I feel pretty weak as of late. But when it's hot and humid like this, the last thing I want to do is eat. All I want to do is drink stuff.

I spent too much money today, like the moron I am. I went to Wal-mart with the sole intention of buying stuff I needed like socks, and a new bra and stuff. Well, I got one of those things...but I ended up buying Moulin Rouge on DVD because a person from my not-so-faraway past pretty much stole my copy from me. It's only ten bucks, I thought. The problem here is, I now have only ten dollars to last me until my mom gets back. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Maybe I oughta go sell that manga back. Then again, no. I'd only get about 3 or 4 bucks back. What I ought to do, maybe, is go sell some CDs. I've got a whole bunch that are just taking up precious space in my CD wallet. If I was really a jerk, I'd rip a bunch of CDs and then sell them. But I just wouldn't feel right. Even though I DL music. Explain that.

I missed the Aqua Teens again. Blah.

Well, the Love's here in Purcell is hiring part time. As much as I hate to, I'm applying there. I was just hoping maybe I could find something better than that, but who am I kidding?

I need to go to school.

Brad's talking about enrolling both of us in that Japanese course this summer. He's suddenly taken an interest in learning Japanese. Gosh, that would be a fun thing to do together. Even though it will cost 200 dollars. ; _ ; Then again, knowledge is so much more valuable than money. I just don't know if he'll be willing or able to pay for me to attend as well.

I think my recent change-of-mind about money is nothing more than an excuse to get out of working. I don't know.

Well. That's quite enough for now.

Blah.

2004-06-21T23:39:00.000-05:00

Everyone seems to like pushing my buttons today. Including this fly that is bound and determined to land on my face.

My sister. No more needs to be said about that right now.

A certain friend. I don't want to elaborate on that right now either.

I did get Hikaru No Go vol. 1 today though, and a new, cute Sanrio wallet. ^_^ I think I'll add that manga to my "keep up with" list. Since it's Shonen Jump. Which is cheap. I was also thinking of checking out Bleach. Looks interesting.

On a completely different note, I think ADD is largely a load of steaming, reeking BS. More on that later. Maybe.

and now it's time for

2004-06-18T08:09:00.000-05:00

...uh...a post?

I am having so much trouble switching back to daylight hours. I couldn't get to sleep until like 5am, in small part due to the fact that I was trying to learn a character on Soul Calibur II. Tried to go to sleep at like, 2, and was wide awake. So I turned on the game. And then after gaming, it took me an hour to shut my brain up. And here I am at 8am. One of these days, I'm gonna crash and I'm not gonna wake up for like, a whole day.

Anyway. I was thinking that once a week I'd write in here about my story. Which really doesn't make a lot of sense because I could be spending that time actually -writing- my story, but whatever. I've got writer's block right now, and writing down my thoughts about the story kinda helps. Sorta. What is today...? Ah, Friday. Then I'll do it every Friday. For now. So let us commence.

...::::::::::::::::::::::::...

I need to learn how to describe again. I mean...lately, my writing seriously lacks description. It's really pissing me off. It's like...what happened, you know? It seems like all I can do anymore is dialogue. (Which, I admit, I'm not half-bad at.) I just don't get it. Sometimes I think my old crappy stuff is better than my recent stuff, because it had more feeling. I just don't know how to get that back.

I don't want to give up on this story. I may never finish, but I don't want to give it up. I've put waaay too many years (yes, years) into it to just toss it away. I love my babies. <3

Somewhere along the line, I lost my direction. Like, I keep worrying about this random crap that really isn't that pivotal to the plot. Or is it...I dunno.

...::::::::::::::::::::::::...

Wow. It's dark out there. Rain is good, I suppose, except that it makes me want to sleep all day.

Lol, nobody's online this early...

:D

2004-06-18T00:26:00.000-05:00

Wow, cable internet is the best. I DLed like, 5 MP3s in less than a few minutes. (thanks Ink!)

In other news, I think my brain is dying. Either that or I just need to go to bed. Not sure which. But it's early yet! X__x

Eh, anyway. I'm gonna be stuck at home for a WEEK AND A HALF. Mom and grandpa are leaving for ze California tomorrow at about 6pm. And I have to go home at noon. Uhhh, whaaatever.

As long as the kids aren't gonna be there the whole time, I think it might be nice to be alone. Even if it is in that hole.

I'm getting ready to do another AIM buddylist cleanup. Those are always fun.

Nyah. Eyelids...heavy...

ugh

2004-06-16T02:50:00.000-05:00

I hate it here. I hate this house. I went in the s***hole of a kitchen to get something to eat, and I'm attacked by mosquitos. WTF.

I am so unhappy. I almost want to just move in with Brad. I want to be married to him.

What's more, my mom and grandpa are going to California soon, which means I will be stuck in this house for two weeks. Isn't THAT going to be fun.

I wish I was at Brad's right now. Maybe I'll go over there anyway. And piss off my mom. Because I have to use her truck to go there.

I tried to get a hold of my dad today and couldn't. Oh well, I guess that's okay. Or something.

...I'm off to do something else.

hmm...

2004-06-15T04:31:00.000-05:00

This thing doesn't have a mood feature or a music feature. I suppose eventually I could code that in myself...? Ehhh. It'd probably be easier to just type it at the beginning of every post. It also doesn't have usericons...so I may not forsake LJ entirely ^_^;; It -also- doesn't have the option to make posts private...oh well.

Anyway. Um. I don't know what else to say right now.

ummm...it's another journal, folks!

2004-06-15T03:52:00.000-05:00

Why? I dunno. I do these things when I get bored.

I haven't decided if I want to give out the link to this one or not. I'll figure it out later, I s'pose.

I wish I had a cool theme or something for this journal. Like, "my writing journal", or "journal about things that happen at 5pm every Saturday". >__>

Actually, I'm starting this up because

1. LJ makes a poor substitute for a website
2. LJ is pretty dead of late, and LJ is no fun without friends commenting
3. Um...I'm bored

I think I may start making myself write like...at certain times of the day, or only on certain days, maybe. Like...maybe write at least every Monday night or something like that. Writing my feelings down is good for me. I don't want to start bottling it all up again.

I may take up the "good things" list again. If you read my LJ at all, you probably know what I'm talking about.

Anyway...that's enough for now. Peace.